A letter about a moment in time.

It’s been 27 days since we said yes to the path we’re taking, on a Sunday stroll around my area. I introduced you to the building where I work, then to a mall where we surfed selections of ridiculously expensive suit you’re thinking of purchasing. It’s been 25 days since the line “…but the fact that I’m falling in love with you” has been ringing in my ears since you said that to me after the wedding we’re attending, and you as my +1. It’s been 15 days since the line “Looking forward so much to hold you tomorrow” was what I was holding onto all the while you’re away. And finally, it’s been exactly 10 days, since you didn’t let me stay for another half an hour after you searched for my eyes and told me you don’t want to do this anymore, because…

“No, it’s time (for you) to go.”

The thing about growing fonder of someone is, it’s not… abrupt. It’s not fast, it’s crippling inside you, before you know it, the thought of that person paints a smile on your face and makes you want to get up in the morning, stronger than what coffee does. Everything that is truly right for you, will make you feel at peace. Everything that is truly right for you, will make everything so simple, so obvious, so comfortable. Serendipitously, as it is spontaneous. As if you’ve been knowing this feeling your whole life, yet so strange when it first hits you. Being the cool one in this scenario is difficult, especially if it’s not in your nature. Especially if you were born to feel, if you were born to give. If you were born to shower your surroundings with all your might and using every power to let your people know that they are so loved.

Therefore, it is not an easy task to not getting lost in those clear blue eyes; it is not an easy task to hold the urge to caress your face every time you lay your head on my embrace. It is certainly not easy to hold off saying ‘I miss you’ every time you’re away. It is definitely an even bigger task to not thinking this more seriously when you are basically telling stories about me to your family, your siblings, your mum that liked our pictures together, you trusting your prized possession, Monkey, to be with me while you are away.

Learning new hobby, asking you to put me as your emergency contact, while it is wholeheartedly genuine, it really is as simple as it may come. I just want to understand your world better, aside from it is a skill anyway to learn something new. ‘Emergency contact’ part was a thought coming from a place of caring, for someone who is practically alone in this city. I want to be there for him, I want him to feel less lonely.

What a difference a day made. Not even 3 hours before we met for the last time, I was texting my best friend saying: “I’m so excited to cook him a chikin soup-!!.”

You make me learn the hard way that feelings can change overnight. You make me learn that someone could be an entire package in the wrong address. You make me learn that matching someone’s energy, leap with them in the cliff of possibility, does not always mean they will catch you when you finally fall for them.

This letter is not me saying I want you back.

This is a letter saying: “Oh, the world I would have given you.”

This is a letter of “I’m letting you go.”

This is a letter of “I really wish you can meet ‘the one’ someday.”

So if we’re someday crossing paths again, if you see me somewhere, ever again, take a look closely at the life you could have had, the feelings you could have possessed, and the person she once was; a brave one, yet vulnerable enough to let her guard down for you, a head over heels one, a determined one to know your world, and a crystal clear vision one to see your worth.

Search for me in every last remaining sniffs of the smell of me lingers in the corners of your place. Search for me in letters and notes I left all this while for you. Search for me on those memories about us lounging in your living room, or even karaoke night while we sang Simon & Garfunkel to My Chemical Romance. Search for me on those memories of watching crime documentaries, ticking watch list one at a time, or sports shows you like. Search for me in every place we have visited together, every meal you made me and I made you, in a pint of macadamia nut ice cream you have on your fridge. Search for me in the swiss army knife with the letter ‘M’ on it (you can keep it.)

In the meantime, while it is hurtful and full of questions of how come and why you do this, I will not stop being a person who sees the best in people, who is a glass half full, who asks how the other person day is going because she truly cares, who wants to take care of her loved ones, who asks for their loved ones’ favorite type of flowers, who goes the distance, who is thoroughly overthinking scenarios in her head, but when she says she’s committed, she meant every word.

I have nothing but my pure intentions to you, but it is clearly not enough, so may life lead you to what you truly are searching for.

I wish you the best.

Best,

M