“Might, when you have your passage blocked, all you have to do is knock.”

I thought I have forever.

Nothing could have prepared me for losing a battle I didn’t see coming. Nothing could have prepared me for hurting so much, upon losing someone I have no blood relation with.

You used to call me “Mighty”. It’s a mockery, really, I used to set my Friendster name to “Mighty Uty”. It’s so corny, you always remind me of that. You even saved my contact details as that name. I used to be so annoyed, but right now I would move mountains to even get my phone flashes your name in the notifications once again. I would move mountains to understand where and when you’re hurting, when you need me even when you don’t let me know. I would move mountains for the world to know how true, genuine, and amazing you are.

I thought I have forever.

I thought I can always call you later, I can see you when things get better. I used to share to you spots we can visit, coffee shops we can try and places we can go. We have dreams to see movies you create someday, me clapping the loudest when they call out your name to the stage, while filming you like a proud Asian mom. But right now I can look up to the bright sky of March every time I think of you, or maybe I’d go to those places we have always wanted to go. I know you’d come around and make fun of me for browsing the menu before we get there. Hey, I always come prepared, don’t blame me.

I thought I have forever.

Just now I realize, here are the things I don’t tell you enough: 1.) I need you always. I don’t need a lot of people to retain my sanity, but I do need you. You are always needed and loved, and expected even in places you have never set foot on; 2.) I am always here for you. I never seek for only sunshine without expecting your thunderstorms. Your burdens are mine to carry, too, for as long as you would have me. Even if it’s 3AM and you just want to talk, I will listen and put your insecurities to sleep; 3.) You deserve the world. With the way you give the world to your loved ones, I can only wish to give you the same. You deserve the world that is kinder to you, and I hope we have given you that; 4.) I love you. Of all people, you know how hopeless romantic I am, including to you. Even then, I wish I can tell you that everyday.

I thought I have forever.

I don’t. But while I’m here, I will spend the rest of my life persevering the life lessons you have taught me. I will continue to love life the way you taught me to, to celebrate small wins even if it’s just a walk to the nearest convenience store while the sky is clear and you’re breathing just fine, or to help cooking dinner with your parents. And most importantly, I will listen more. I will keep your selflessness remains intact through my flawed being, hoping I can be the light the way you are to the people around you.

Forever, my sweet boy. Sayangnya ibu, mataharinya ibu..

My best friend, my mirror, my way back home. I love you, and I’ll treasure you forever.

Rest easy, Bi.

M